i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
