I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
