Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
