At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize