Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
