That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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