it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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