this just has baby written all over it
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
