It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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