his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
