how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
