party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
