Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
