I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
