I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
