Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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