Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
