Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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