Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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