I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
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