Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
