I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
