i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize