Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
