Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Randomize
