Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
