Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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