she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure