i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
