I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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