last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
