So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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