I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
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I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize