i think my tv is drunk
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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