I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
