It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
