We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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