I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
