I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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