What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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