fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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