THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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