I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
