I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
