2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
