I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
