Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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