He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
