someone owes me an orgasm
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
