Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She bit a glass in half.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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