wrigley field is MILF paradise
my phone needs a breathalizer
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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