i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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