The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
