I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
