she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
