I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I am naked and annoyed.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
