My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dear god my vagina.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
