So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
