Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
