Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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