Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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