i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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